New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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