Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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