Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
