Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
