Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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