The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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