Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
