She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
