Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
