I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
