You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
