I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
