Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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