I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
