How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
