he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
