apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
this boner is exhausting
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
