Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
