Your dad touched me again.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
