Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
