My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize