i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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