i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
