Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize