There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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