My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize