So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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