My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
