I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
People in love make me want to vomit
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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