Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Randomize
