all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
