is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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