Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
