I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
