i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
FUCK WHALES
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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