I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
