We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize