May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
