I wish my penis had an off switch
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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