brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
