I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
