i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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