God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
