You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
