I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
