Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
