We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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