I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
