just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize