She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
