I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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