dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
